Preparing for the inevitable

It seems a sad inevitability is about to come upon our family once again; another miscarriage. I call it an inevitable event because for my entire marriage, that is what it has always been. I have lost hope in ever having children of my own, and at my age, I do not want a baby to care for and raise.

Some years ago in my 20's, I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had aggressive chemo and radiation therapy to rid it from my body. After receiving a clean bill of health, I was told it would be possible for me to conceive a child. Although my doctors tried to convince me at the time that it would be easier to have a hysterectomy and adopt, I was stubborn and not willing to give up any chance, any hope of having a baby of my own once I was married. I've been married 12 years now and have suffered at least 2 miscarriages (or more) each year of it. Sure, we're fertile, but my uterus can't 'hold a child' for a full term.

After years of feeling sad, frustrated, and angry by my childlessness, I've finally accepted it for what it is and have moved on. I no longer yearn to have a child of my own since God has placed so many wonderful 'nieces and nephews' in my life for me to help raise. Indeed, I treasure them as if they were my own children and spoil them as such. It would be easy to be bitter and angry with God for what some would perceive to be an unfair affliction. Me, I am choosing to find the humor in it. Alright, maybe just the irony, but you must laugh!