Oh my aching hormones!

You know it's bad when you take kids to see a children's movie and you cry through it. No wait, I was really bawling my eyes out.

On Thursday, Paul and I took Katie and Melissa to see the Eddie Murphy film "Imagine That" at the Free Summer Kids Matinée at North Hills. I did not really know what the movie was about nor did I care all that much. When it's 98 degrees outside and the theater is cool, that's all that really matters, stay inside where it's cool. Cool, air conditioned theater for 2 hours, ahhhh. Well, it was tepid, not terribly cool, the back row of the theater was filled with popcorn throwing adolescents and we sat closer to the screen that I would normally like to. Add to that the movie back drop was Denver, Colorado. Going down the emotional, hormonal roller coaster, here we go....weeeeee!

About 10 years ago Paul and I were happily living our pleasant life in Denver Colorado. Paul had a good, well paying job, I had a good job, we had a nice home, nice car and our first dogger. We were looking to purchase a new condo and things were going well. We both absolutely LOVED living in Denver. We took every opportunity to explore all the wonderfulness that is Denver and more especially Downtown Denver. I worked in downtown Denver at a skyscraper on the 23rd floor overlooking the city and really enjoyed my job. Paul and I had been to nearly every great restaurant, festival, and site of interest Denver offered during our 3 years there. I was even in love with the weather there; ah the wonderfulness of no humidity! By now, I'm thinking you get the idea that I was in love with Denver, I know all the famous landmarks and sites and so you might even guess that seeing all of them on the big movie screen is what pushed me over the roller coaster hill. Down I gooooo....

The kids laughed at the movie and all I did was cry through it. The main character 'worked' in the same building I had worked in, went to all the same places I went to, even had high tea in the Brown Palace Hotel where I had high tea. I am still not sure if I missed Denver more that day or if I just had raging-out-of-control hormones, but nonetheless I was an emotional mess when I left the movie. Fortunately, the kids did not ask why I was crying, and I did not have to conjure up the answer.

Pregnancy hormones or missing my favorite place to live? We may never know which was the driving force behind the crying. Either way, I still miss Denver.

Oh Crap, Not This Again!

So, we're pregnant again. It's annoying more than anything since I never get the 'fun' parts of it.

Oh, I get the all day morning sickness, the crazy cravings, roller coaster emotions, the exhaustion and that's about where it ends. I have not lasted a pregnancy past the 16 week mark*. Usually around the 6th week the crazy cravings kick in...burritos this time! I'm sleeping 10-12 hours a day which my Fibromyalgia body is unsure if it likes, and drinking Pepto Bismol like it's water! I am glad to not have the huge baby belly, the swollen limbs, and all the other uncomfortable parts of pregnancy that go along with it, but I do miss the excitement of sharing the great news with friends and loved ones. And you know, no one throws you a "Lost Your Baby, Sorry You Miscarried" party! Now, when I find myself pregnant, my first thoughts are usually "oh crap, not this again."

I had a very rough miscarriage back in December which had pretty much left me swearing off sex forever. That did not last long. I guess I need to back up a bit and tell you that birth control and I really don't get along. First, since I've already had a reproductive organ cancer, I cannot take birth control pills or any method which would mess with the hormone balance in my already messed up system. Second, I have allergies. Can't use latex anything and forget metal devices in my body. Both latex and most metals send me to the hospital with infections. Third, spermicide gave us both horrible rashes! So, at this point I have two methods left: old reliable 'The Rhythm' and non-latex condoms. One I can't remember how to use and the other I forget to use all together. Basically, I'm sunk unless I become celibate, which my husband reminds me....oh never mind!

So here I wait, which is really all I can do. I wait for the inevitable bleeding and severe cramping to begin, with Percocet and heating pad at the ready...any day now, any minute now for this to be over. I'm not sad over having miscarriages anymore, just looking forward to that great promise of Menopause someday! Ah, no more 'monthly gift' from Mother Nature, won't that be grand.

I'm thinking that maybe having a "Lost Your Baby, Sorry You Miscarried" party isn't such a bad idea after all. Who knows, you might get an invitation from me once this is over.

*(The one time I did hit the mark, I was very glad it miscarried soon after. The child I was carrying was severely deformed with an additional limb protruding from its chest and I was in terrible emotional agony over it.)

Preparing for the inevitable

It seems a sad inevitability is about to come upon our family once again; another miscarriage. I call it an inevitable event because for my entire marriage, that is what it has always been. I have lost hope in ever having children of my own, and at my age, I do not want a baby to care for and raise.

Some years ago in my 20's, I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and had aggressive chemo and radiation therapy to rid it from my body. After receiving a clean bill of health, I was told it would be possible for me to conceive a child. Although my doctors tried to convince me at the time that it would be easier to have a hysterectomy and adopt, I was stubborn and not willing to give up any chance, any hope of having a baby of my own once I was married. I've been married 12 years now and have suffered at least 2 miscarriages (or more) each year of it. Sure, we're fertile, but my uterus can't 'hold a child' for a full term.

After years of feeling sad, frustrated, and angry by my childlessness, I've finally accepted it for what it is and have moved on. I no longer yearn to have a child of my own since God has placed so many wonderful 'nieces and nephews' in my life for me to help raise. Indeed, I treasure them as if they were my own children and spoil them as such. It would be easy to be bitter and angry with God for what some would perceive to be an unfair affliction. Me, I am choosing to find the humor in it. Alright, maybe just the irony, but you must laugh!