Restrictions

It occurred to me recently that I recall growing up in an environment that allowed me to be anything I wanted to be. I wanted to be a nurse, I wanted to be a musician, I wanted to be a lawyer, I wanted to be governor of NJ, and I wanted to be a policeman (or woman as it would be politically correct). My mother supported me in my endeavors to be whoever or whatever I wanted to be, well except being a cop and, later as I would come to realize in my forties, being good enough to be her daughter.

I've been a nurse. I've been a back-up singer in a band. I studied criminal justice in college for a semester. I've even worked on a municipal level with police officers who took me to 'the range' and taught me to shoot a gun, but I somehow never earned the respect or the permission from my mother to truly be myself. I spent a good deal of the time trying to be the daughter I expected her to want me to be, but yet it is still not enough. Never was, never is and, now I realize, will never be

With age, indeed does come wisdom. Many times we say that we 'wish we could have known back then what we know now' and our lives would be somehow different, maybe even better. I try not to live my life full of 'would have, could have, should have', so going back in time with that wisdom, it probably would do me no good. I believe experience is our best teacher. I can't say I ever learned more from reading something than I did from actually experiencing it. Even in my own life, I was 'told' how to do one thing and most times, found a better way to do it myself. My mother swears I have a hard head and that I am stubborn. Truthfully, I believe those are my biggest assets in this world!

This year, I have decided to take a MAJOR look at my life and see where I am. What do I want to be when I grow up? Where do I expect to be happiest in my life? Who are my friends? Who am I? What do I stand for? What are my personal boundaries? What is most important to me?

Here's what I have come up with so far, so stop me if you already know these things...
~I live in Raleigh, North Carolina
~I am married to my best friend whom I love and respect.
~I've never given birth to any children of my own, but I have bettered the children around me.
~I am perfectly imperfect.
~I am learning to accept my faults, accept my weaknesses, and accept myself.
~Money may not bring happiness, but more money can bring peace and quiet to my cellphone. (I had to throw that one in as I listen to the monotonous ring tone of debt collectors calling me up to 10 times daily these days.)
~My biggest support in this life are the friends whom I choose to call family, who support and love me no matter what I do.
~I am working on accepting that my mother will never unconditionally love me or accept me plain and simple.

Of all the changes I want to make in my life, accepting the fact that my mother will never unconditionally love or accept me is going to be the hardest thing I will ever accomplish. I will probably get a few more bumps on my head from banging it against that wall, but I know I can do anything in my life now, if I just let her acceptance go.