Easter Candy

Easter is Sunday, less than a week away. This week's Sunday paper was spilling over with advertisements offering every kind of Easter candy known to mankind. Chocolate bunnies, marshmallow eggs, jellybeans, and of course, Cadbury eggs. Hate those things, but they are THE traditional Easter candy. I'm a chocolate covered marshmallow egg girl myself, but I will only eat a certain kind. They are the cheap ones from WalMart, not Necco, not Russell Stover, but the ones in the styrofoam egg holder packaging for a dollar. Don't ask me why, but I love those things. I am sure they are artery cloggers, blood sugar raisers, but dang it they are tasty!

This is usually my week to shine in the candy area of my life. I have to tell you I am far behind this year when it comes to being stocked up for Easter. I generally make each child in my local church congregation (also known as a"Ward"), their own chocolate bunny. I use my own molds, melt the chocolate myself and make some 60-70 chocolate bunny shaped lolly pops each Easter. I take great pride and care to be sure they look at cute as they are yummy. I package them in clear plastic bags and tie pastel ribbons curled so perfectly to seal them. I even deliver them in a traditional Easter basket brimming with fake green plastic grass. As I said earlier, I am far behind in my Easter candy readiness. The good news is, our church is having their semi-annual General Conference on Easter Sunday, which means no one will be at church for me to give bunnies to. Sadly, that too fueled my lack of motivation to make said chocolate bunny pops.

With my lack of enthusiasm for Easter candy already this year, I have decided that this year we are going to celebrate Easter 'candy-less'. I don't mean full on NO CANDY, oh Heavens NO! I am thinking, instead of going crazy buying a bunch of candy my waistline does not need and my husband won't eat anyway, we'll do something different. Less candy, not a basket full. And I want a new video game for my Nintendo DS. Yes, you heard me right, 41 year old me wants a new video game for Easter. Even I am amazed I want it. Now you know, I've been married to my loving uber-nerdy husband too long when I want a video game instead of candy for the biggest candy holiday of the year.

I am trying to wrap my mind around the concept that I want less for Easter. Could this mean, GASP, I am growing up? I guess we shall see! Stay tuned!

Happy Easter!

Restrictions

It occurred to me recently that I recall growing up in an environment that allowed me to be anything I wanted to be. I wanted to be a nurse, I wanted to be a musician, I wanted to be a lawyer, I wanted to be governor of NJ, and I wanted to be a policeman (or woman as it would be politically correct). My mother supported me in my endeavors to be whoever or whatever I wanted to be, well except being a cop and, later as I would come to realize in my forties, being good enough to be her daughter.

I've been a nurse. I've been a back-up singer in a band. I studied criminal justice in college for a semester. I've even worked on a municipal level with police officers who took me to 'the range' and taught me to shoot a gun, but I somehow never earned the respect or the permission from my mother to truly be myself. I spent a good deal of the time trying to be the daughter I expected her to want me to be, but yet it is still not enough. Never was, never is and, now I realize, will never be

With age, indeed does come wisdom. Many times we say that we 'wish we could have known back then what we know now' and our lives would be somehow different, maybe even better. I try not to live my life full of 'would have, could have, should have', so going back in time with that wisdom, it probably would do me no good. I believe experience is our best teacher. I can't say I ever learned more from reading something than I did from actually experiencing it. Even in my own life, I was 'told' how to do one thing and most times, found a better way to do it myself. My mother swears I have a hard head and that I am stubborn. Truthfully, I believe those are my biggest assets in this world!

This year, I have decided to take a MAJOR look at my life and see where I am. What do I want to be when I grow up? Where do I expect to be happiest in my life? Who are my friends? Who am I? What do I stand for? What are my personal boundaries? What is most important to me?

Here's what I have come up with so far, so stop me if you already know these things...
~I live in Raleigh, North Carolina
~I am married to my best friend whom I love and respect.
~I've never given birth to any children of my own, but I have bettered the children around me.
~I am perfectly imperfect.
~I am learning to accept my faults, accept my weaknesses, and accept myself.
~Money may not bring happiness, but more money can bring peace and quiet to my cellphone. (I had to throw that one in as I listen to the monotonous ring tone of debt collectors calling me up to 10 times daily these days.)
~My biggest support in this life are the friends whom I choose to call family, who support and love me no matter what I do.
~I am working on accepting that my mother will never unconditionally love me or accept me plain and simple.

Of all the changes I want to make in my life, accepting the fact that my mother will never unconditionally love or accept me is going to be the hardest thing I will ever accomplish. I will probably get a few more bumps on my head from banging it against that wall, but I know I can do anything in my life now, if I just let her acceptance go.

I Don't Get It?

Ever have a relationship with someone who you just don't get? Even worse is when you can't get rid of the relationship that you don't get either. I find myself spending useless hours on the telephone with my mother who only cares about herself and who wants to solve my problems with a simple wag of her tongue of wisdom. Mind you this wisdom has rarely done me any good in my life and has caused many a heartache and fight in years past. I am not saying I have been an innocent victim. No, I have opened up myself to the brutal attacks of her useless wisdom and hurtful advice. I have confided in her things that have come back to haunt me numerous times. No, I cannot claim to be an innocent victim when I actively came to her seeking solace and comfort knowing full well she is incapable of such things. Yet, I still keep a relationship with her because she is, after all, my mother. I do thank God he only gave me one mother, I doubt I could handle another one like her.

Being a good daughter, I devote an average of thirty to sixty minutes a day of my cell phone time to listen to her rant on and on about others short comings, her supposed poverty (total BS), and my loser of a life. I am reminded that my husband is inadequate as a provider, I have no children and that I am poor. As if I need to be reminded of this on a daily basis, and as if I'm not actually living it in my life. Thank you, mother divine, for the constant reminder that I am a loser in your eyes.

This year has been my designated year to end this madness in my life. I am no longer allowing her to belittle my life and affect my sanity. I no longer place value on the things she says, nor do I value her judgements of my life.