Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Being Nice To A Fault
I find myself in a horrible situation lately; I am nice to a fault. I know, you don't believe one word of it! It may stem from my severe dislike of confrentation and the uncomfortable feelings involved with it. I don't like hurting others feelings, nor do I take pride in pointing out their faults, which may be part of my discomfort in being direct sometimes. I have, at times, gone to great lengths and expense to not point out a fault in order to keep a friendship. Even worse, it has been a complete waste of time and energy to keep what I thought was a frienship and lose my self respect for not speaking up. I have suffered abuse in many forms for the sake of being nice to others. You too? I've lost money, been bossed around by ungrateful kids, been unfriended on "Facebook", and even verbally dismissed. Don't get me wrong, I DO stand up for myself on many more occasions, usually where a friendship is not involved, though. My dear, sweet husband, Paul, thinks I'm a bit 'stupid' for allowing others to walk all over me and has recently been the witness of my latest bout of 'niceness'. He gave me his take on what I did wrong and how to avoid it the next time it comes up...and YES, it will come up again in the near future. I have vowed not to let it happen again...until it happens again.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Change Is Good
"I've finally reached my limit. I am officially sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time." How many times have I said that in my life? I've seriously lost count! I'm sick of being sick, overweight, tired, and overall disgusted with my health and I've FINALLY decided to take control of it.
Twenty or so years ago, I realized I had a serious eating disorder which inturn, led me to a new way of thinking and eating; thanks to an eating disorder treatment center. I left that 'rehab' with a new lease on life. I had my bulimia and my life under control for the first time in my 20 years of life on this planet. I felt great. I was at the correct weight for my height, I had energy, and more than anything, I was happy with myself.
Fast forward 22 years and I am again back at square one. Well, health wise, kinda. While I no longer have the bulimic tendencies to purge, I find that I've slumped back into the tendencies to overeat and eat the wrong foods. I can blame the chemotherapy medications that DID put on a significant amount of weight back in 1995, but I can no longer blame it for why I've kept the weight on. It's been 16 years since I battled uterine cancer and beat it, so it's time to move on and take control of my life again.
In 1994, before cancer, I was at my perfect weight of 160lbs. After having all of the life saving treatments for cancer, I 'blossomed' up to a scary 300lbs in just a matter of 5 months. Rather than going back to the healthy way of eating I had learned in treatment, I ventured on a journey of diet to diet. Weight Watchers, Grapefruit Diet, Cabbage Soup Diet, Full Cleanse Diet, you name it I tried it...except for the one that really did work. Sure, I lost weight, I was down to 225lbs when I met my husband in 1997, but I have yet to weigh less than that since. Worse yet, I've bottomed out at 297 unhealthy pounds. Along with the weight, I've gained Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, Heart Disease, and Epstein-Barr Virus. None of which I consider an added bonus.
After 2 months of being miserably sick with a sinus infection and the flu, I had finally reached my breaking point. Being sick from Thanksgiving to New Year's made me realize I did not want to spend another holiday being sick if I had any control over it. And that's when I remembered, the great treasure I had 'buried' in my home, in a notebook full of recipes I never use, my healthy eating plan. (It was simply a miracle that I even found it. No really, it was an answered prayer!)
Like with any other disorder or addiction, I too needed to hit rock bottom. My rock bottom came in January of this year. I was sick, severly overweight, and disgusted with my life overall. I wanted to make a change, I had to make a change, I needed to make this change to save my life. Before January, I was not ready to make that change. I was not ready to surrender my will to God again. I was not ready to give up the things I thought I enjoyed, those things that were actually killing me. Ironically, I was killing me.
On January 19th, I made that change I needed. I pulled out that eating plan and I haven't looked back. My healthy eating plan encompasses a rather structured approach involving weighing/measuring my foods, avoiding sugars and foods containing wheat or flour. I try to limit my caffeine intake to one or less drinks per day and I drink at least 5 glasses of water per day. I'm not perfect in my eating plan, but I am doing the best I can and it seems to be enough. In changing my eating alone, I've lost 20lbs in just over a month. I feel better. I'm less tired.
I've since added exercise to my eating plan, and I have discovered a whole new sensation...I actually like to exercise. No, I have come to crave it! I have never, that I recall, ever enjoyed exercise or even looked forward to it. I am hoping to keep this new found excitement for exercise in my life for as long as I can!
As I was told many years ago, CHANGE IS GOOD!
Twenty or so years ago, I realized I had a serious eating disorder which inturn, led me to a new way of thinking and eating; thanks to an eating disorder treatment center. I left that 'rehab' with a new lease on life. I had my bulimia and my life under control for the first time in my 20 years of life on this planet. I felt great. I was at the correct weight for my height, I had energy, and more than anything, I was happy with myself.
Fast forward 22 years and I am again back at square one. Well, health wise, kinda. While I no longer have the bulimic tendencies to purge, I find that I've slumped back into the tendencies to overeat and eat the wrong foods. I can blame the chemotherapy medications that DID put on a significant amount of weight back in 1995, but I can no longer blame it for why I've kept the weight on. It's been 16 years since I battled uterine cancer and beat it, so it's time to move on and take control of my life again.
In 1994, before cancer, I was at my perfect weight of 160lbs. After having all of the life saving treatments for cancer, I 'blossomed' up to a scary 300lbs in just a matter of 5 months. Rather than going back to the healthy way of eating I had learned in treatment, I ventured on a journey of diet to diet. Weight Watchers, Grapefruit Diet, Cabbage Soup Diet, Full Cleanse Diet, you name it I tried it...except for the one that really did work. Sure, I lost weight, I was down to 225lbs when I met my husband in 1997, but I have yet to weigh less than that since. Worse yet, I've bottomed out at 297 unhealthy pounds. Along with the weight, I've gained Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, Heart Disease, and Epstein-Barr Virus. None of which I consider an added bonus.
After 2 months of being miserably sick with a sinus infection and the flu, I had finally reached my breaking point. Being sick from Thanksgiving to New Year's made me realize I did not want to spend another holiday being sick if I had any control over it. And that's when I remembered, the great treasure I had 'buried' in my home, in a notebook full of recipes I never use, my healthy eating plan. (It was simply a miracle that I even found it. No really, it was an answered prayer!)
Like with any other disorder or addiction, I too needed to hit rock bottom. My rock bottom came in January of this year. I was sick, severly overweight, and disgusted with my life overall. I wanted to make a change, I had to make a change, I needed to make this change to save my life. Before January, I was not ready to make that change. I was not ready to surrender my will to God again. I was not ready to give up the things I thought I enjoyed, those things that were actually killing me. Ironically, I was killing me.
On January 19th, I made that change I needed. I pulled out that eating plan and I haven't looked back. My healthy eating plan encompasses a rather structured approach involving weighing/measuring my foods, avoiding sugars and foods containing wheat or flour. I try to limit my caffeine intake to one or less drinks per day and I drink at least 5 glasses of water per day. I'm not perfect in my eating plan, but I am doing the best I can and it seems to be enough. In changing my eating alone, I've lost 20lbs in just over a month. I feel better. I'm less tired.
I've since added exercise to my eating plan, and I have discovered a whole new sensation...I actually like to exercise. No, I have come to crave it! I have never, that I recall, ever enjoyed exercise or even looked forward to it. I am hoping to keep this new found excitement for exercise in my life for as long as I can!
As I was told many years ago, CHANGE IS GOOD!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
CAUTION: Addressing Issues May Lose You Friends!
I grew up in a home where issues were generally addressed and often, which may or may not be such a good thing. You can lose friends and respect for others over it!
Case in point: I emailed the parents of one of my 12 year old former Achievement Girls to let them know that some of their daughter's posts and pictures on Facebook were rather inappropriate for her age. I received a pleasant email back from the girl's father thanking me for looking out for his daughter. I noticed within minutes of receiving that email, that the girl had changed her profile picture to something more suitable but with the status update of "There, happy now? Go away and stop stalking me!" I assumed that her father had seen the bikini clad 12 year old in the provocative pose pictured on her Facebook profile and asked her to make a better choice, like a good parent would. I don't know what the conversation was like, but I know that I can no longer help keep her safe on Facebook as she has 'un-friended' me. I can only assume, which is dangerous I know, that her parents told her it was me who 'ratted her out'. I hope that her parents will take better care to see what their daughter is doing on-line now that I can't.
Had she been my daughter, there would have been a LONG discussion about appropriateness on-line and the constant presence of pedophiles looking for girls like her to stalk. Maybe I've seen too many "To Catch A Predator" episodes, listened to police reports on TV of teenage sex crimes, or have seen first hand what happens when a girl her age gets brutally raped. All I know, is that I did not want her to be hurt. And a pretty girl like her would be a major target for creeps out there.
As someone who was raised in a church with strict beliefs on immorality and modesty, it bothered me too, to see this girl going against everything she had been taught in church. As her former teacher in church, I KNOW she was taught these same principles and that she knows better. I understand that as a pre-teen and teenager it's important to fit in with all of your friends, I was there once myself and can understand the peer pressure. Maybe I was just different, but I did not give into the peer pressure because I knew what was right, what I had been taught, and what my parent would have done to me if I had gotten caught.
On a final thought, if she HAD been my daughter, she would not have even thought of posting such things on Facebook. Why am I so sure of that, you ask? First, she would not even own a bikini. Second, I would be "so far up into her business" on-line that she'd be terrified of me seeing anything inappropriate. And third, I'd be the one setting her privacy settings on Facebook since she is too young to be on there without my parental consent. 12 is not the new 21. 12 year olds should not be trying to be sexy, should not be thinking about having sex, or posting that they "are in a relationship" with a boy on Facebook.
Like I had said earlier, addressing issues may lose you friends and respect for those friends. Sadly, I think I have done both in this instance.
Case in point: I emailed the parents of one of my 12 year old former Achievement Girls to let them know that some of their daughter's posts and pictures on Facebook were rather inappropriate for her age. I received a pleasant email back from the girl's father thanking me for looking out for his daughter. I noticed within minutes of receiving that email, that the girl had changed her profile picture to something more suitable but with the status update of "There, happy now? Go away and stop stalking me!" I assumed that her father had seen the bikini clad 12 year old in the provocative pose pictured on her Facebook profile and asked her to make a better choice, like a good parent would. I don't know what the conversation was like, but I know that I can no longer help keep her safe on Facebook as she has 'un-friended' me. I can only assume, which is dangerous I know, that her parents told her it was me who 'ratted her out'. I hope that her parents will take better care to see what their daughter is doing on-line now that I can't.
Had she been my daughter, there would have been a LONG discussion about appropriateness on-line and the constant presence of pedophiles looking for girls like her to stalk. Maybe I've seen too many "To Catch A Predator" episodes, listened to police reports on TV of teenage sex crimes, or have seen first hand what happens when a girl her age gets brutally raped. All I know, is that I did not want her to be hurt. And a pretty girl like her would be a major target for creeps out there.
As someone who was raised in a church with strict beliefs on immorality and modesty, it bothered me too, to see this girl going against everything she had been taught in church. As her former teacher in church, I KNOW she was taught these same principles and that she knows better. I understand that as a pre-teen and teenager it's important to fit in with all of your friends, I was there once myself and can understand the peer pressure. Maybe I was just different, but I did not give into the peer pressure because I knew what was right, what I had been taught, and what my parent would have done to me if I had gotten caught.
On a final thought, if she HAD been my daughter, she would not have even thought of posting such things on Facebook. Why am I so sure of that, you ask? First, she would not even own a bikini. Second, I would be "so far up into her business" on-line that she'd be terrified of me seeing anything inappropriate. And third, I'd be the one setting her privacy settings on Facebook since she is too young to be on there without my parental consent. 12 is not the new 21. 12 year olds should not be trying to be sexy, should not be thinking about having sex, or posting that they "are in a relationship" with a boy on Facebook.
Like I had said earlier, addressing issues may lose you friends and respect for those friends. Sadly, I think I have done both in this instance.
Tie A Knot And Hold On!
Between the confusion with the birth control pills, major hot flashes, crying spells, heavy menses, and irritability, I am beginning to think that this is not all just in my head. Or is it?
In my usual quest for knowledge, I have been all over the internet to self-diagnose my crazy symptoms and figure out just what the heck is going on in this body that is making me so "nutso" lately. You would not believe all of the websites out there willing to give you advice! That said, the general internet agreement is that I am 'perimenopausal'. Mood swings: check. Heavy and/or irregular menses: check. Hot flashes: CHECK! Headaches: check. Weight gain: CHECK! Change in libido: check. Short term memory impairment: CHECK (but that could be the fibro as well)! Yeah?!
That all being said, I should be happy to think the end is near, right? No more periods, moodiness, cramps, or hot flashes, yeah! That is until you keep reading all of the JAMA articles and realize that this process can start months, years or even DECADES before menopause actually begins.
Like the old saying goes: When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on! I'm praying for a short perimenopausal stage and a swift delivery into menopause.
In my usual quest for knowledge, I have been all over the internet to self-diagnose my crazy symptoms and figure out just what the heck is going on in this body that is making me so "nutso" lately. You would not believe all of the websites out there willing to give you advice! That said, the general internet agreement is that I am 'perimenopausal'. Mood swings: check. Heavy and/or irregular menses: check. Hot flashes: CHECK! Headaches: check. Weight gain: CHECK! Change in libido: check. Short term memory impairment: CHECK (but that could be the fibro as well)! Yeah?!
That all being said, I should be happy to think the end is near, right? No more periods, moodiness, cramps, or hot flashes, yeah! That is until you keep reading all of the JAMA articles and realize that this process can start months, years or even DECADES before menopause actually begins.
Like the old saying goes: When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on! I'm praying for a short perimenopausal stage and a swift delivery into menopause.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
One Wasted Month
I had a horrifying discovery last night as I refilled my weekly medication containers...I have been taking one of my medications completely wrong for an entire month. No wonder my hormones are off the charts and I am having a 9 day period!
You wonder how that can happen, especially to me who is generally 'over educated' when it comes to the medicines I take? Simply, I followed the medical 'professionals' directions on how to take the medicine. Instead of reading the enclosed pamphlet or researching it on the internet like I usually do, I followed the advice of my gynecologist's nurse who gave me the pills. Ugh!
The nurse explained to me that I was to start the pill pack the first Sunday after my period ENDED, and thus I did. I trusted her 'professional' opinion and knowledge since I claim absolutely no understanding or knowledge in this field of study. I threw the enclosed paperwork/instructions/pamphlet away when I started the first pill, thinking I did not need to read it. I was slightly curious when I started my monthly hemorrhaging as to why I had so many pills left in my pack. Something was making me question it, but again I figured it must be nothing. I was following the doctor's orders, right?
So last night, as I do once a week, I refilled my weekly medication containers. I discovered that I was on the last pill of the pill pack the gyn had given me, so I opened the next pack complete with enclosed leaflets. As I was about to throw the pamphlet away, I thought to myself, "I might as well read it and see when the great changes I have been promised will start to take effect." And to my great horror, shock, surprise I read that the pill pack is supposed to be started on the FIRST DAY of your period, NOT WHEN IT ENDED. And on WHATEVER DAY OF THE WEEK your period starts not necessarily on SUNDAY.
Talk about being peeved and at 2am on a Saturday morning, it took me a while to calm down.
Not only had I taken the pills wrong for the first month, but now I could not even restart them again for another month as I was now into my 8th day of my period. To top that off, to avoid a possibility of getting pregnant during the first month of pills (as I was advised to do), my dear sweet husband and I had been abstinent. One month was hard, and now I have to explain to him we have to do this for another 2 months? This just is NOT going to work.
I will be looking for a new gynecologist in the next few days and this time I will study up on medications and procedures for sure. And while I am at it, I think I will bring up the hysterectomy issue in the first visit until I find a doctor who will just get it over with. No more pills, please.
You wonder how that can happen, especially to me who is generally 'over educated' when it comes to the medicines I take? Simply, I followed the medical 'professionals' directions on how to take the medicine. Instead of reading the enclosed pamphlet or researching it on the internet like I usually do, I followed the advice of my gynecologist's nurse who gave me the pills. Ugh!
The nurse explained to me that I was to start the pill pack the first Sunday after my period ENDED, and thus I did. I trusted her 'professional' opinion and knowledge since I claim absolutely no understanding or knowledge in this field of study. I threw the enclosed paperwork/instructions/pamphlet away when I started the first pill, thinking I did not need to read it. I was slightly curious when I started my monthly hemorrhaging as to why I had so many pills left in my pack. Something was making me question it, but again I figured it must be nothing. I was following the doctor's orders, right?
So last night, as I do once a week, I refilled my weekly medication containers. I discovered that I was on the last pill of the pill pack the gyn had given me, so I opened the next pack complete with enclosed leaflets. As I was about to throw the pamphlet away, I thought to myself, "I might as well read it and see when the great changes I have been promised will start to take effect." And to my great horror, shock, surprise I read that the pill pack is supposed to be started on the FIRST DAY of your period, NOT WHEN IT ENDED. And on WHATEVER DAY OF THE WEEK your period starts not necessarily on SUNDAY.
Talk about being peeved and at 2am on a Saturday morning, it took me a while to calm down.
Not only had I taken the pills wrong for the first month, but now I could not even restart them again for another month as I was now into my 8th day of my period. To top that off, to avoid a possibility of getting pregnant during the first month of pills (as I was advised to do), my dear sweet husband and I had been abstinent. One month was hard, and now I have to explain to him we have to do this for another 2 months? This just is NOT going to work.
I will be looking for a new gynecologist in the next few days and this time I will study up on medications and procedures for sure. And while I am at it, I think I will bring up the hysterectomy issue in the first visit until I find a doctor who will just get it over with. No more pills, please.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Letter of the Law Vs Spirit of the Law
Sometimes we are placed in circumstances that we never thought would be in and we learn lessons that can only be taught to us by The Master Himself. Last night was one of those instances.
I tend to be the type of person who is flexible in my teaching/leading methods. I like variety and I understand that life can be unpredictable...for better or for worse. I respect the need for structure in life and at times even crave it in my own life. What I do not understand is how some people can become so structured and inflexible that they allow those around them to suffer uselessly from what I see as their own selfishness.
I had an instance last night where I allowed myself to become angry with someone so rigid that it made me question their devotion to God and his children. My anger stemmed from my own desire for that person to be more giving and accepting of others; obviously something that person is not willing nor wanting to be. And that right there is what I have to accept.
Just because I believe in following the Spirit of the Law does not mean this person will do it also. I believe in giving 110% of myself at all times, going the extra mile, and being in tune with the Lord that when he whispers "go visit so-and-so" I do it without asking why. I believe that nurturing the rising generation of our youth is more than a "twice monthly only" obligation and that when they have questions, I'm there to help them find the answer. My love has no limits, which gets me in trouble sometimes when my heart gets broken, but I always feel it was worth the effort.
As I went to bed late last night (after cooling off from the confrontation I had with that person), I pleaded with the Lord in my prayers to help me gain some sort of understanding. Why or how could someone accept the calling to be the leader of a group of sweet young girls be so blinded by her own personal agenda and selfish limitations? Does she not understand that this calling from the Lord may require more than a 1.5 hour obligation every 1st and 3rd Tuesday of each month? According to her, it does not.
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, did not leave me answerless to my prayer. The answer was acceptance that she was placed in this calling to learn something but it may not be me who will teach her that.
Lesson learned: "Yea, some will follow the 'Letter of the Law' whilst others will follow the 'Spirit of the Law', and both are necessary to fulfil the 'Law of God'."
I tend to be the type of person who is flexible in my teaching/leading methods. I like variety and I understand that life can be unpredictable...for better or for worse. I respect the need for structure in life and at times even crave it in my own life. What I do not understand is how some people can become so structured and inflexible that they allow those around them to suffer uselessly from what I see as their own selfishness.
I had an instance last night where I allowed myself to become angry with someone so rigid that it made me question their devotion to God and his children. My anger stemmed from my own desire for that person to be more giving and accepting of others; obviously something that person is not willing nor wanting to be. And that right there is what I have to accept.
Just because I believe in following the Spirit of the Law does not mean this person will do it also. I believe in giving 110% of myself at all times, going the extra mile, and being in tune with the Lord that when he whispers "go visit so-and-so" I do it without asking why. I believe that nurturing the rising generation of our youth is more than a "twice monthly only" obligation and that when they have questions, I'm there to help them find the answer. My love has no limits, which gets me in trouble sometimes when my heart gets broken, but I always feel it was worth the effort.
As I went to bed late last night (after cooling off from the confrontation I had with that person), I pleaded with the Lord in my prayers to help me gain some sort of understanding. Why or how could someone accept the calling to be the leader of a group of sweet young girls be so blinded by her own personal agenda and selfish limitations? Does she not understand that this calling from the Lord may require more than a 1.5 hour obligation every 1st and 3rd Tuesday of each month? According to her, it does not.
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, did not leave me answerless to my prayer. The answer was acceptance that she was placed in this calling to learn something but it may not be me who will teach her that.
Lesson learned: "Yea, some will follow the 'Letter of the Law' whilst others will follow the 'Spirit of the Law', and both are necessary to fulfil the 'Law of God'."
Friday, August 27, 2010
Who's That Girl?
Ever have a moment where you are just listening to yourself and saying "Who is THAT?" You start to blame hormones, the weather, your spouse, or whatever is nearest you at the time because, they all make more sense than to actually blame yourself. Hey, I'm not saying it's your fault, it could be any one (or all) of those things.
I had that experience just this past week and I am still trying to figure out what caused it! I woke up one morning well rested, but not good spirited and the day just went down hill from there. I had a snarky remark in my head for everything and everyone, but had the good sense to keep it to myself. You know, as Thumper would say..."If you can't say somethin' nice...", so I did, EXCEPT to my spouse. Poor Paul, he got the brunt of it, but he also got one heck of a good laugh as well. See, I had somehow channeled my inner "Mean Girl", who, while obnoxiously snarky, was also rather humorous. The humor arose out of these awful things coming into my mind! I'm generally not THAT GIRL who says or even thinks those things. I felt as though all I could do was stand back and say "oh snap, is that really me?".
It was not enough that I was grumpy, but then to have such insulting remarks about everything AND everyone running loose through my head was just more than I could take. Returning home and 'hiding' was all I could think to do before I hurt someone's feelings. I judged my dogs, myself and my husband just as harshly as I had anyone else. OK, so once I was home I could make those judgmental comments out loud safely and not hurt anyone. And this is truly where the humor of it came out. I spewed out ever single smide remark I had about everyone that day, to Paul. Nothing and no one was off limits when it came to my opinion...from sitting behind Jabba The Hutt, to sustaining Miss Priss when I did not want to. It was not pretty!
The good news is, that within twenty-four hours this monster was back in its cage. I don't know where she came from, why she was here, or where she went, but I can vouch for Paul when I say we're both glad she's gone. WHEW!
I had that experience just this past week and I am still trying to figure out what caused it! I woke up one morning well rested, but not good spirited and the day just went down hill from there. I had a snarky remark in my head for everything and everyone, but had the good sense to keep it to myself. You know, as Thumper would say..."If you can't say somethin' nice...", so I did, EXCEPT to my spouse. Poor Paul, he got the brunt of it, but he also got one heck of a good laugh as well. See, I had somehow channeled my inner "Mean Girl", who, while obnoxiously snarky, was also rather humorous. The humor arose out of these awful things coming into my mind! I'm generally not THAT GIRL who says or even thinks those things. I felt as though all I could do was stand back and say "oh snap, is that really me?".
It was not enough that I was grumpy, but then to have such insulting remarks about everything AND everyone running loose through my head was just more than I could take. Returning home and 'hiding' was all I could think to do before I hurt someone's feelings. I judged my dogs, myself and my husband just as harshly as I had anyone else. OK, so once I was home I could make those judgmental comments out loud safely and not hurt anyone. And this is truly where the humor of it came out. I spewed out ever single smide remark I had about everyone that day, to Paul. Nothing and no one was off limits when it came to my opinion...from sitting behind Jabba The Hutt, to sustaining Miss Priss when I did not want to. It was not pretty!
The good news is, that within twenty-four hours this monster was back in its cage. I don't know where she came from, why she was here, or where she went, but I can vouch for Paul when I say we're both glad she's gone. WHEW!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)