Dog Discrimination

We jumped through the hoops, made it to phone interview #2 and were ready for the background check process when one little stipulation stopped that train in its tracks...we would not be allowed to have a dog for our 1st year and then only 1 dog once we were placed in our own home.

For the record, we have 2 small Dachshunds; Princess who is 10 years old and Jake who is 4. We legally adopted them, they are ours...just as if we had adopted 2 children. EXCEPT, if we had real children, (ie. NOT DOGS) there would be no problem. I don't get it. Especially when my dogs tend to be better behaved and less messy than many of the children I've cared for over the years. Sorry if you're offended, but it's true!

I am not sure if I am more angry or sad that something apparently so important is not more clarified on the website or was even discussed in more detail in the first phone interview. We DID ask about the pet policy in the first interview and was told that there was a pet restriction during the 5 week training but nothing more.

I guess the most upsetting thing about all of this was how hard we had prayed, how excited we got, and how disappointed we are. It's sad to think that our qualifications to become houseparents has come down to this...we have pets.

I'm sad that they judge our effectiveness as proper role models and compassionate parents based solely on our ownership of 2 dogs. If they knew the story of Jake, there would be no doubt as to the compassion we have as parents to a 'child' with behavioral issues.

I am trying v-e-r-y hard to see the silver lining to this experience, but it just is not coming right now. I know deep down (way deep down!) that there is an important lesson to be learned here, that God wanted us to learn something from this, but for now I am just going to have to be satisfied that this job was not for us.

A friend posted the following scripture on Facebook last night: "For verily I say unto you, that great things await you;" (D&C 45: 62)

I did not know why I needed to read that scripture last night, but maybe I do now.

Faith

I tend to believe I am one of the more faithful people I know. Faithful, meaning someone who does many things strictly on faith without knowledge of how it will turn out. It is a hard attribute to have. The way I see it, is that it takes faith every time I get out of bed in the morning and more faith to get through the rest of the day. I think we all have that inside us, and most of us use that all the time. In this, I am not unique.

I had a conversation tonight with my mother which reminded me again of just how full of faith I am. You see, while I was raised to have some faith, I was taught more to rely on intelligence. For example; you make your own fate, rather than faith, in this world. Faith may seem like a foolish attribute to have in others eyes and sometimes even in my own. I tend to have faith things will work out and then they fall to pieces at times. Where did my faith go wrong? Was I not paying attention to what The Lord said or implied? Was I listening to the wrong source or was this just a test to see if I was listening at all? Was this a lesson to be learned for future use? I don't know!

Right now in my life, I am struggling with this dilemma. I believe that all the things seem to be happening in a certain order concerning a job for the Milton Hershey School. Now, I haven't worked full time in 10 years, I've been on disability, suffering in pain from an illness and BOOM a few weeks back my doctor gives me a new medication that removes my pain and makes me believe I am getting better. I feel, no, I BELIEVE that this was in preparation to acquire this job. A job that would fulfill my desire to be a mother and working member of society, two things I have been lacking for years. I have faith that this is the right job for Paul and I. Whether it is or not is yet to be seen since we have not even had a formal interview yet (though it is scheduled for this Wednesday). But again, I have FAITH that this is all leading up to accepting this 'higher calling'.

Along with having faith that this is the job for us, I have also been getting my hopes up pretty high, which is rather scary. I have even gone so far as to plan which items in our home to sell off, who can babysit our dogs during training & travel, assume which age group/gender home we will be assigned to (girls aged 7-11) and what great things I plan to teach them. I've even "Mapquested" the trip and located the nearest meeting house/Ward for our own worship. If this was a boy and I was 16, I'd swear I was stalking him! What can I say, I like being prepared instead of surprised!

I do have faith that this is the right move for us, and I have put my prayers into it. Let's see how this works out!

Oh F-U....D-G-E...

My GYN and I have a difference of opinion when it comes to my desire for a hysterectomy. She said I was NOT a candidate for the surgery given my young age (ha, 41 is not that young!) and with all the wonderful other medical advances these days, she would like me to choose another option. She made a few suggestions, none of which I am all too thrilled about.

I'm starting on some estrogen pills tomorrow to end the crazy spotting/bleeding and 'restart' my menstrual cycle. After 12 days, I am supposed to be on a whole new cycle and am expected to decide from there whether I want to start taking The Pill or have an IUD put in. Truthfully, I don't like either choice, nor do I feel like making a choice.

I doubt making a choice is going to get any easier as my hormones get ready for their monthly fertility dance in 12 days. I need to do some more research to fully understand the ramifications of my decision and options.

Just for the record, this sucks!

Parenting As A Profession?

While looking though the classifieds one recent Sunday, I discovered an interesting ad. The header for the ad read, "Parenting As A Profession!" and it was classified under Child Care in the 'Professional Services' section. This was not the type of job I was looking for that Sunday.

I tend to peruse the ads looking for a better job for my husband Paul on occasion, and for whatever reason, call it being in the right place at the right time, luck, or God slapping me along side the head, I noticed this ad this particular Sunday. I circled the ad, placed a question mark next to it and said to myself that I would look at the listed website and see what it was about LATER. Later became sooner when Paul asked me what I had thought about the ad.

I had my instant objections:

a) I'm disabled and haven't been able to work in almost 9 years.

b) The position is located in Hershey Pennsylvania NOT Raleigh, NC.

c) We'd have to move.

d) I don't want to take a job so Paul doesn't have to work (more on that later!).

e) Am I really fit to be a potential professional parent?????

After taking a deep breath, expressing those thoughts to Paul and trying to open the webpage unsuccessfully, I began to think of this too as a sign from God, so to say, that we weren't to apply to the job. It's a big commitment, it's a move, it's hard, it's...whatever else you can think of not wanting to do. Paul did the only rational Priesthood thing he could think of to do, he challenged me to pray about it. I was skeptical but I took on his challenge.

Tuesday morning, June 28th, I rose to the challenge and put prayer to the test. Oh heck, I pray about nearly everything else anyway, why not this? Within 2 hours into the day, I had already received an answer to my prayer and attempted to once again visit the website to see if I could open it. Guess what? Yup, the website worked just fine. All of a sudden not only did I have an answer to my prayer, but I also had more information about the Milton Hershey School than I knew what to do with. I started reading the mission statement, moved on to the Houseparent job description and began filling out the application for a job for Paul and I.

God and I have had many a chat about how this can possibly work for us. More than anything I took away from my prayers a peace and confidence in my abilities. God reminded me that my wonderful doctor, Krista, had the inspiration recently to change my medication and it has made my Fibromyalgia symptoms better. Our chats lately have reminded me of my capabilities instead of my disabilities.

We're taking a leap of faith here. Both Paul and I have filled out applications and we are both slated for telephone interviews this week. I look forward to the changes the Lord has in store for our family this year.

Here's the website of the job I'm talking about, if you are interested:

http://www.mhs-pa.org/careers/houseparents/

The Only Time In My Life I Actually Want Surgery!

Ok, you read right, I actually WANT to have surgery. I WANT a hysterectomy. Why keep the parts if they don't work right, if they constantly cause pain, and they are a risk for cancer?

I'm doing my internet homework, calling my GYN tomorrow and am going to look under every stone until I find a way to make this happen. No, I'm not crazy, determined maybe, but absolutely not crazy to want major surgery to remove organs that cause such dire pain that at least 12 days a year I have to take narcotics to live through. Not to mention, I have an allergy to the narcotic pain medication, so while I maybe somewhat pain-free, I'm itching and unable to sleep. Misery!

Part of the problem with wanting the surgery now is the insurance and or cost to cover it. I need to do more 'investigating' to see what portion, if any, my Medicare Supplemental insurance will cover. I have my doubts, but I need to be sure what exactly I am up against.

Oh my aching hormones!

You know it's bad when you take kids to see a children's movie and you cry through it. No wait, I was really bawling my eyes out.

On Thursday, Paul and I took Katie and Melissa to see the Eddie Murphy film "Imagine That" at the Free Summer Kids Matinée at North Hills. I did not really know what the movie was about nor did I care all that much. When it's 98 degrees outside and the theater is cool, that's all that really matters, stay inside where it's cool. Cool, air conditioned theater for 2 hours, ahhhh. Well, it was tepid, not terribly cool, the back row of the theater was filled with popcorn throwing adolescents and we sat closer to the screen that I would normally like to. Add to that the movie back drop was Denver, Colorado. Going down the emotional, hormonal roller coaster, here we go....weeeeee!

About 10 years ago Paul and I were happily living our pleasant life in Denver Colorado. Paul had a good, well paying job, I had a good job, we had a nice home, nice car and our first dogger. We were looking to purchase a new condo and things were going well. We both absolutely LOVED living in Denver. We took every opportunity to explore all the wonderfulness that is Denver and more especially Downtown Denver. I worked in downtown Denver at a skyscraper on the 23rd floor overlooking the city and really enjoyed my job. Paul and I had been to nearly every great restaurant, festival, and site of interest Denver offered during our 3 years there. I was even in love with the weather there; ah the wonderfulness of no humidity! By now, I'm thinking you get the idea that I was in love with Denver, I know all the famous landmarks and sites and so you might even guess that seeing all of them on the big movie screen is what pushed me over the roller coaster hill. Down I gooooo....

The kids laughed at the movie and all I did was cry through it. The main character 'worked' in the same building I had worked in, went to all the same places I went to, even had high tea in the Brown Palace Hotel where I had high tea. I am still not sure if I missed Denver more that day or if I just had raging-out-of-control hormones, but nonetheless I was an emotional mess when I left the movie. Fortunately, the kids did not ask why I was crying, and I did not have to conjure up the answer.

Pregnancy hormones or missing my favorite place to live? We may never know which was the driving force behind the crying. Either way, I still miss Denver.

Oh Crap, Not This Again!

So, we're pregnant again. It's annoying more than anything since I never get the 'fun' parts of it.

Oh, I get the all day morning sickness, the crazy cravings, roller coaster emotions, the exhaustion and that's about where it ends. I have not lasted a pregnancy past the 16 week mark*. Usually around the 6th week the crazy cravings kick in...burritos this time! I'm sleeping 10-12 hours a day which my Fibromyalgia body is unsure if it likes, and drinking Pepto Bismol like it's water! I am glad to not have the huge baby belly, the swollen limbs, and all the other uncomfortable parts of pregnancy that go along with it, but I do miss the excitement of sharing the great news with friends and loved ones. And you know, no one throws you a "Lost Your Baby, Sorry You Miscarried" party! Now, when I find myself pregnant, my first thoughts are usually "oh crap, not this again."

I had a very rough miscarriage back in December which had pretty much left me swearing off sex forever. That did not last long. I guess I need to back up a bit and tell you that birth control and I really don't get along. First, since I've already had a reproductive organ cancer, I cannot take birth control pills or any method which would mess with the hormone balance in my already messed up system. Second, I have allergies. Can't use latex anything and forget metal devices in my body. Both latex and most metals send me to the hospital with infections. Third, spermicide gave us both horrible rashes! So, at this point I have two methods left: old reliable 'The Rhythm' and non-latex condoms. One I can't remember how to use and the other I forget to use all together. Basically, I'm sunk unless I become celibate, which my husband reminds me....oh never mind!

So here I wait, which is really all I can do. I wait for the inevitable bleeding and severe cramping to begin, with Percocet and heating pad at the ready...any day now, any minute now for this to be over. I'm not sad over having miscarriages anymore, just looking forward to that great promise of Menopause someday! Ah, no more 'monthly gift' from Mother Nature, won't that be grand.

I'm thinking that maybe having a "Lost Your Baby, Sorry You Miscarried" party isn't such a bad idea after all. Who knows, you might get an invitation from me once this is over.

*(The one time I did hit the mark, I was very glad it miscarried soon after. The child I was carrying was severely deformed with an additional limb protruding from its chest and I was in terrible emotional agony over it.)